summer

It’s been a while since I have posted anything on here. There are probably myriad reasons for that, but mostly I think because it is summer.

To me, there is a conception out there that summer is supposed to be relaxing and fun, maybe an opportunity to do some things one would not normally do, and a time to do projects that one does not have time for in the more rushed times of fall and winter and the impending school year.

I find that this is categorically false. Summers are stressful and hard, particularly emotionally, and I live the same meaningless day on repeat until classes start and I again have something to do. Projects go undone and unfinished because I do not have any kind of deadline or reason to finish them, especially since more often than not projects run into the school year when I do not have so much time to finish them.

Perhaps I lack focus or self-discipline; this is most likely the case. However, given my normal schedule during the school year, somehow I doubt this. I have plenty of focus when I want to, and self-discipline, although hard, can be come by when needed.

The worst is probably when I start to question the meaning of everything I am doing. What is the point of researching a random of word usage in Sappho to check on the specific definition of colors when that question literally has no direct meaning or importance to my life?

More deeply and frustratingly, struggles with faith run rampant for me in the summer. What point does church have when every time I try to open myself up to God it seems that He asks of me something that I cannot do? If I cannot change for Him, then why bother going or even praying?

There’s a part of me that feels that one can entirely circumvent the path of spiritual struggle by just not doing it, and this is to some degree true. One does not have to struggle if the demons do not have to fight.

So here I sit on yet another Sunday morning having slept through Liturgy. I think I’m at three weeks running of not having gone specifically to Sunday Liturgy, but more broadly to any Liturgy. I keep sleeping through them. Perhaps I need to go to a real parish (with real people with real lives) and not to the school chapel, but I have no method of transportation. Perhaps I need to pray more on my own, or go to confession, or something.

I’m really not sure what to do, since life without God is loveless and awful, but right now life with God hurts too much for me.

Perhaps I shall write another post about why the summer has been so difficult. This is quite cathartic, and feels less isolating than writing in a journal. Also, as hard as it is, I think that it also is in keeping with the name and theme of “even Thine altars,” because it is easy to think that Christians do not struggle with their faith. The one-and-done confession-and-salvation Protestant mentality is quite pervasive especially in the U.S., but the real question is not “are you saved yet” but rather “are you living your salvation”.

Am I living my salvation?